Turning the Tables: Making Care Decisions for Your Aging Parents

For much of your life, you have been the son or daughter in the family dynamics, with your parents making decisions for you. Now the tables are turned, and you are needing to make decisions for your parents about their care. You will experience a wide range of emotions, and from time to time, not be quite sure how to handle the emotions. You might question yourself over and over, but it usually comes down to one basic question. Am I doing the right thing?

 

The Emotional Journey of Choosing Senior Living

During this journey, the time may come when you have to move your loved ones into a senior living community. Chances are you and your parents will go through even more emotions with the move. Am I choosing the best location? How do I decide what is best? Will mom and dad be happy?

 

When Parents Resist the Move

What if your parents say they don’t want to move? It’s a common scenario. You see signs that your parents need more help than you’re able to provide, but they refuse it. Perhaps one or both of your parents’ health has taken a turn for the worse, or maybe your own health and relationships are suffering, so you know it’s time for a change. By doing your research, focusing on the small victories, accepting some uncertainty, and remaining patient, you will start to overcome some of the guilt you may feel about moving a parent to senior living.

 

Coping with Guilt and Uncertainty

Even when you know relocating your parents to a senior living community is the right thing to do for their safety and health, you may experience feelings of guilt and question your decisions. Guilt can come from conflicting feelings about how to best care for your loved one. Your conflicting feelings are proof that you care about your loved one’s well-being.

 

 

Expert Insights on Emotional Struggles

“Emotions range from feeling inadequate to feeling overly responsible,” says Dr. Stephen Quentzel, a psychiatrist affiliated with Mount Sinai Beth Israel Hospital.
“We want our parents to remain decision-makers,” Quentzel says. “We’re upset when we have to take over their roles. We feel guilty about the role reversal.”

Taking on the responsibility of finding a suitable living environment for your parents can be taxing, but just know that it’s normal to feel uncomfortable during this time.

 

Easing the Transition for Everyone Involved

“We assume the act of moving loved ones into assisted living declares loud and clear that we can’t handle taking care of them,” says Quentzel. “The paradox, of course, is that we want nothing more than to ease our parents’ pain and suffering, even to sacrifice our comfort temporarily to improve their overall lives.”

Dr. Barry Jacobs, author of The Emotional Survival Guide for Caregivers, explains, “While you may have made promises to your parents in the past, decisions must be made based on what’s best for the parent at the given time. Often, moving a parent to senior living is the most loving act a child can do because it improves the quality of the parent’s life from both medical and social perspectives. Parents often thrive, to their great surprise.”

 

Acknowledging the Difficulty of Change

Change is hard for everyone, and a move to assisted living or long-term care is a big change. Suddenly, you’re asking your parents to form acquaintances, trust professional caregivers, navigate unfamiliar schedules, and acclimate to new environments.

We know we’re asking a lot from our parents. Many older adults unrealistically believe they can take care of themselves for the rest of their lives. Deciding it’s time to move a loved one to a senior care home — even if they’re willing to move — can be difficult. Seeing your loved ones struggle in their daily lives is tough on everyone involved.

 

Empowering Your Loved One Through the Senior Living Transition

Although it may feel like you are taking away your loved one’s ability to make decisions for themselves or breaking previous promises to them, transitioning them to a senior living community can actually empower them. In senior living, they may be able to make more of their own decisions that best suit their wants and needs while being supported in a safe environment.

 

 

Reflecting on Your Decision

When experiencing feelings of guilt, take time to think about why you’re making this decision. Ask yourself the following questions:

• Will my loved one be safer in a senior living community?
• Will my loved one have better access to consistent personal and medical care?
• Is my loved one isolated?
• Can I continue to provide the level of care my loved one needs?

 

Four ways to cope with guilt after the move

1.) Focus on the small victories

Did your parent enjoy a meal or activity in their new home? Do you sleep better knowing they’re less likely to fall in their new surroundings? When guilt creeps in, remind yourself of the benefits of their new home, experts say.

Small victories include excellent care, creating meaningful activities, even keeping our parents together for as long as possible.

 

2.) Accept some uncertainty

Being put in the position to make critical arrangements for others is often hugely stressful. When the task concerns relocating your parents to an assisted living community or skilled nursing — a decision with enormous financial and lifestyle consequences — the anxiety and second-guessing can be even higher.

Remember why you made the choices you did but know that some uncertainty will remain about how things might turn out. After the move, visit regularly and stay in touch to see how things are going.

Find predictable things that both you and your parent can hold onto during this time of uncertainty. These things can include sticking to a routine, finding a specific time you will visit consistently, and ensuring that the things they enjoyed living at home are still accessible to them.

 

3.) Give it time

As with any change, there will be an adjustment period. In fact, many older adults take between six and 12 weeks to adjust to their new environment.

If you’re unsure, strike up a conversation with other families who visit in your parent’s community. Ask them how they dealt with the change and how long it took their parent to adjust.

 

4.) Visit Often

By visiting often, you can help your loved one feel more like they’re welcoming a guest into their home rather than feeling like they are a guest at an extended stay facility. Continuing normal routines in their new home can help you and your loved one feel more comfortable with the new living arrangement. Visiting often also keeps you in the know about what’s going on and helps your parent feel more connected.

 

Managing Difficult Emotions Through Support

Know feelings of guilt are normal. Leaning on support groups can help alleviate feelings of guilt during the process of moving a loved one to a senior living community. Talk to a family member, friend, or therapist to help sort out emotions and validate current feelings.

 

 

The Evolving World of Senior Living

Today, senior living is much more than the old-fashioned idea of nursing homes. Senior living communities are often vibrant environments that offer services, amenities, and activities designed to keep older adults engaged and feeling at home. With a thorough understanding of what different senior living communities offer, you and your loved one can feel more comfortable making the transition. The opportunities for social interaction, wellness programs, and personal enrichment can truly enhance your loved one’s quality of life.

 

Involving Your Parents in the Process

When adjusting to your parents moving into a senior living community, focus on involving them in the decision-making process. Visit frequently and encourage them to participate in community activities. This can empower them and help ease some of the anxiety associated with the move. Visiting frequently and encouraging them to participate in community activities will help them form new connections and settle into their new environment more quickly. A supportive presence can make all the difference as they navigate this major life change.

 

 

If you or a loved one is thinking about moving to a senior living community, we invite you to tour one of The Ohio Masonic Communities‘ campuses. With three locations across Ohio—Browning Masonic Community in Waterville, Springfield Masonic Community in Springfield, and Western Reserve Masonic Community in Medina—each offers premier, pet-friendly living options designed to provide exceptional experiences. Our communities are dedicated to helping older adults live their best lives. To learn more give us a call at 1-877-881-1623 or schedule a visit.